Needed To Heal
by MeredithBrody
Summary: After discovering the truth about Emily's murder, a surprise visit reminds Brody that it's not a bad idea to keep some elements of the past. (Brames. 2x18 post-ep)
**So, for the first time in a while I had a poster idea. After the episode confirmed so many headcanons of mine, I needed to write Brody getting some support from the love of her life. So here's one for the James lovers. I know you're out there.
-Shin** **xx**

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

She had spent the night in the bar, trying to join in with the others, but she'd been slightly disconnected and distant. She had needed that because she had felt like she was too deep in grief. She'd be OK in a few days, but right now she needed to take her day off to think about everything that had happened, and try to move past them. She was having tea and doing just that when there was a sudden knock at the door that she hadn't quite expected."Meredith. Open the door." Came a very familiar accented voice, and she just felt a little confused.

"James?" She asked, turning the key and opening up. Sure enough the smiling of her ex-fiance was there on the porch, and she just found herself even more confused. When they'd spoken a little over a week earlier, he'd been in Europe on a story, and hadn't expected to make it back to the US.

"Hi." He grinned, and even though she was surprised she stepped back and let him in, she then shut the door and locked it again, still not really in the mood for any of her other friends to turn up on her doorstep and think that she'd let them in. They would all have given up eventually, not James though.

"What… what are you doing here?" That was not the most appropriate of first questions, but it was all she could think of. Given that it had been relatively recently they'd spoken, she was just surprised and a little worried he was here. "I thought you were in Hungary?"

"I was but… well I'm not anymore." He was dodging her question, and that worried her a little more. James never dodged her questions unless he had to, and even then he'd normally give it up if she pushed him, so she was going to try.

"What happened?" Direct was normally the best way to go, it normally reminded him that she could see through a lot of his dodges and convinced him to just give it up. Nothing he had was national security worthy, so she wasn't going to break any laws making him say.

"Nothing." He was straight up lying to her this time, and she was worrying more now. Either this was bad and he was banned from certain European countries or there was something else he didn't want to tell her.

"J, you never could lie to me." She cautioned him, because she really wanted to know, and really she deserved to know more than anything. If something had sent him back from Europe, it had to have been something.

"Daniel called me." Well, that explained it all. She just sagged onto the sofa, and watched as James followed her over, lowering himself to the seat a little more slowly, and slightly more gradefully.

"He told you about Emily." She didn't make it a question because she already knew the answer. That was the problem about everyone she knew in her personal life away from NCIS being journalists. They all knew each other.

"Of course he did. He and I still share a profession, the same friends." She had always known that Daniel and James had known each other. She and Emily had lived through the jokes about them having the same type. Merri had always enjoyed pointing out that James was more muscular, and British. That had normally ended with Emily throwing something at her. So maybe she shouldn't have been surprised that James and Daniel still spoke. "He knows I still care about you, still want to marry you."

"So you gave up your assignment in Hungary and came here?" She ignored his comment about still wanting to marry her, because it was something he'd mentioned before and she still wasn't in the position to think about that again.

James was sat nodding then smiled a little, and Merri wondered what he'd actually done to get out of Europe. He clearly realised she was concerned about that and held a hand up. "I traded it with Daniel. He wanted to get away from the States and I was doing the story for the Globe anyway. It wasn't a specialist story, he could handle it." That was a vote of confidence from James, and it made her smile slightly. "You handling it OK?"

"I just… I expected it to feel different now I got the answers." She admitted honestly. There weren't many people in the world that she would admit this to, but James was of course one of them. He would understand what she was trying to say, even if she didn't say it well. "I expected to have closure."

"MB, you never really have closure from something like that." That was wisdom she hadn't expected, but she was sure that she'd be able to accept it easier now that she'd solved the mystery. She was more prepared for everything now, even if she was still hurt. Still missing a piece.

"Sometimes when I think about her I can't breathe, and it's like a physical yearning for her to be right there with me." Thinking about Emily had, for so long, been something she avoided at all costs, she felt a little strange about doing it now. Her breath would catch in her chest and tears would threaten, but she'd push through it like always. She just wasn't getting any better at this. "It's been almost 9 years and I still don't think I know how to be without her."

"You've gotten this far, MB." James reassured her, just watching her from his side of the sofa. After a second she sat forward and wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek against his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. That was something that calmed her down, and she never knew why exactly. It just helped.

Once she was calm again she smiled and started talking, staying against his chest rather than sitting up. She was too comfortable right now, but she wanted to continue with the things she had been pushed to realise. "Pride made some good points last night at the bar."

"Really? From what you've told me, he's good at that." James had clearly had been listening to her when she had spoken about her work. She'd never really known if he had been, so it was nice that these things had gone in his mind.

"He is." She smiled and nodded. Pride always gave out the best advice to all of them. "He basically pointed out that I can't keep my life on hold forever, made me realise that my life mattered too." It had been hard to hear that, and then she realised he'd been right.

"He's right" James agreed readily, and that gave her another pause. Even though she knew already that Pride was right, she hadn't expected to hear anyone else saying that to her. Not that they were wrong, just unexpected allies.

"Do you think that I've been keeping my life on pause." She had to ask, knowing that no matter how much she'd hate his answer, James would tell her. He'd known her a long time now, and that meant it would be even more evidence of how far she'd slid. She pulled back just far enough to see his face as he answered her, wondering if that would give her any hints.

"In a way, yes. You've barely settled on anything in the last ten years. You've destroyed everything that could have gotten serious, You've even pushed me away." James wasn't looking angry, or anything other than completely supportive of her, but it still made her feel strange, different. Knowing that he'd known she was pushing people away. "But I knew that, when you were ready, you'd come to the realisation on your own."

"You were happy to just let me figure it out?" She asked, thinking about that for a moment. He didn't tell her this, and while she was thinking about it she realised why. Only a second before he started speaking, so she couldn't tell him she knew.

"I couldn't just tell you MB." He muttered and shook his head a little. "You needed to accept it and you'd only do that if you got there yourself." That was an interesting observation about her, but it was also true. That was something that her teachers had used to say about her too. She would never believe anything until she'd done it herself.

"You know me well." She started laughing, the first real laugh it felt like she'd had in a while, and she just shook her head, sitting up again properly, sniffing a little and wiping beneath her eyes. He'd been here less than an hour and had cheered her up.

"I like to think I do." He smiled and laughed too, reaching out and putting his hand against her cheek. No matter how much he wasn't the romantic sort, he did his own type and she loved that. It was something that was entirely him, and she liked that it didn't change.

"How long are you here for?" Merri hoped he could stay a couple of days, at least long enough for her to find even ground again. It would come, faster here than anywhere else, but it would be better still if James could stay.

"Well. I gave Daniel my assignment, so I have a month before my next one. I do need to go visit my mum and siblings while I have some down time..." He trailed off slowly, and even though she knew he was mostly kidding, she didn't want to leave any doubt about the fact she wanted him to stay with her for a little while.

"Maybe stay here a few days?" She asked, and even to her own ears the request was just a little bit timid and pathetic. She hadn't really known it would come out that way, but she actually didn't mind that it had. It showed how much she wanted him there.

"As long as you need me Meredith." He smiled then leant forward, giving her a gentle kiss before pulling her back into his arms. She enjoyed that feeling, and just put her hand on his stomach, stroking her fingers gently as she thought with a smile.

"Can you promise me something now James?" She blurted out, not having really thought through what she wanted to say. She just knew that she needed to tell him that no matter what, everything he did mattered.

"Anything." James was clearly more than a little confused about that, and the fact that he said he'd promise it immediately made her narrow her eyes at him and scowl a little. "OK, what?"

"I know that things haven't always been easy, and I know that you get frustrated by me sometimes." That was not exactly a secret, and she couldn't blame him either because she was frustrated by him. They were a good fit, and that was what was frustrating more than anything.

"Your point?" He asked, and she could sense the interview of impatience in his voice. She was taking too long to get around to it, and that made her realise that she probably needed to just tell him what she wanted without sugar coating it.

"Never give up chasing, OK? One day I'll say yes." That was something she could promise. It wasn't going to be something that happened anytime soon, but it would happen, and it would only be him. "I'm not there yet, but you're the only person I see myself spending the rest of my life with."

"I'm proud of that." He smiled and kissed the top of her head as she settled against his chest. She then got to listen to the vibrations of his words as he continued to speak. "I could have promised you the day we met that I'd never give up, I knew then that you were my girl."

"Do you think Emily would be proud of me?" That was one of her burning questions. Sure, Pride had said she would be, but he had never known her. James had known Emily, and she could believe him all that little easier.

"Undoubtedly." He smiled, and she just looked at him for a second, how was he so sure? It didn't matter, he'd known Emily a long time too. She knew that everyone had taken things hard, and that all of Emily's colleagues had struggled with a lot, including James. if he was sure of all this, maybe she should be too.

"Help me unpack?" Then and there she made the decision. She needed to start living again, and this was where she wanted to do that. When he'd arrived a year earlier she'd told him that this was her home now, now it was time to truly make that official. "This really is home now."

"I'm proud of you." He muttered quietly and rested his forehead against hers. Maybe she would never fill the hole in her heart that Emily left, but she could accept it as a constant, and then she could start moving forward, adorning it with things that made her happy. Maybe James was one of those things. She just need to heal.


End file.
